keep

my children prefer to keep their stories private.  thank goodness.  i want to tell all the things about them, but i respect their limits.  they are able to advocate for themselves.  it is a good lesson for me in what to give to others and what to keep for myself.  i am striving for authenticity and integrity in my writing and in my life.  i want to tell my stories, and at the same time keep my sensitivity and vulnerability close to my heart.  stories need an audience.  i yearn to keep quiet, but here in this space i lovingly give my words away because stories cannot be kept.

join five minute friday here.

winter

in colorado, there is no shortage of snowy mountain trails to wander.  snowshoes are my preferred method of exploration.  a favorite is to go out into the deep powder of a wide open meadow and fall backwards into the snow.  staring up at the bright blue winter sky, there is not a cloud in sight.  it is a broad canvas in which to paint all of the world.  the best thing is to blaze trails through untouched snow.  sound is muffled by the trees above and the snow below.  for the most glorious moments you feel like the only soul on earth.  and no matter which way you turn, there is always a fresh path on which to start.

new to us

so...we changed schools this year. it was kind of a big deal {for me}. 

this is a news clip of the principal and some teachers from our new school {you should watch it}.  i love to see teachers setting a living example for their students.  pushing beyond comfort zones.  trying something unimaginable.  my boys are living that out every day now.  they are struggling, but in a good way.  i see it changing them and i am thankful.  they will not be the only ones who grow this year.  we are learning lots too.

front porch roller coaster

{image found here}

we had a front porch conversation that rivaled all front porch conversations.  teenager meets middle aged mom.  we talked about bullies and judgement and what not.  a real impromptu gut wrencher in the country.  my heart was topsy turvy as i laid these irretractable words on him - i want to know your bully.  what makes him tick.  i sized him up and let that soak in a bit.  after all, he was the one on the receiving end.  i just wanted to see where he landed on the subject; how heavy my words would sit on his shoulders.  let's just say he schooled me on compassion.  among the other wise things he said, this one dropped me to my knees:    i know what makes him tick.  he needs help, it's really bad for him.

and so it is at the precipice of a roller coaster's hill - we sit on top of the world with butterflies.  the ride is going smoothly, even when the gears are ratcheting up.  the view is beautiful, but our grip tightens.  stronger and stronger the nudging and heart rendering feelings indicate that.  this.   is. about.  to.  get.  crazy.  it's thrilling and terrifying, and there is no turning back.  the only way off the ride is to get past the scary part.

there have been many times fear has urged me to close my eyes and hold on tight to what my human heart knows.  in my mind's dark place, fear grows and corrodes and corrupts.  i have seen the truth, however painful, shine its light on fearful places.  rejection breeds loathing and acceptance fosters love.  on that front porch roller coaster hill, i confessed that i was not going to live in fear another day.  that i wanted to run towards the messy, ugly and uncomfortable, not away.  i can no longer close my eyes to what is in front of me.  fear festers and urges us to cling to the bar and scream against the unknown.   from the safety of the front porch we can let go of the bar, and open our eyes because love's light is there.  love will always win over fear and darkness.  for both victim and bully.  just and unjust.  righteous and sinner.  it is the only way off the roller coaster.

on faith and hope

 

almost two years ago to this day, my life started to change.  i wandered into a giant church and i sat quietly as the pastor talked about the five things God uses to grow your faith.  i wasn't there by accident.  i was told to get a blessing so that maybe my mind would be at ease about going.  i had never felt so moved.  i sat in my chair and silent tears poured down my face.  how was it that i hadn't been to a church in so long, and yet this message was tailored for my heart?  i had always wanted to help those in need, but i had not imagined that it would take me to haiti.  i had not imagined it would take me to church.  and i will admit it.  i was pretty scared.  so i sat in my chair.  ugly crying among strangers.  afraid and alone.

 

i'm a comfort zone kind of girl.  i fly under the radar.  i apologize for goodness.  i speak when spoken to.  as the sermon was coming to an end, i knew what i had to do.  only because someone gave me specific instructions.  walk to the front of the sanctuary.  find the pastor (turns out there were more than one at this church).  tell him where you are going.  tell him you are afraid.  ask him to bless you.  and that is what i did.  it became my first practice in asking for help and trusting the outcome to something bigger than myself.

 

like so many in haiti have done.

 

three years ago, the lives of the people living in haiti changed forever.  and they still ask for help.  and they still look for blessing.  it is a slow process.  i'm sure they feel forsaken.  and yet every day they go out and build and repair and grow.  despite the fear.  despite the hardship.  i still find so much hope in that.  i still feel as moved today as i did back then.

 

when next i meet my friends in haiti, we will have changed.  i imagine i won't be repairing what has been damaged as much as reinforcing what exists.

 

read about my first trip to haiti here.

sugar and spice

in my world full of cute little boys with their smelly shoes and fishing poles and bugs... 

i'm thankful to have friends who share their world of little girls and fairie houses and flowers.

mt. fuji

i am so thankful that i got the chance to climb mt. fuji this summer.  and that my little legs carried me to the summit. 

in college i met a lifelong friend, and an amazing and inspiring woman.  we have taken up to meeting each other in the world.  it was so much my fortune to visit her in her japanese home before she moves back to the states.

 

climbing mt. fuji was an intimidating goal, for me, to say the least.

my friend has been known to run it.  i know.  C-razy. 

i climbed and made it.  i was really proud. i still can't believe it.

this is a picture of the mountain when the trail was visible. we started climbing at the 5th station which is that white dot on the right side middleish of the picture. we summitted and descended via two different trails.

this is the summit trail and a series of huts up to the very top of the mountain.  it took us 7 hours to climb. we climbed very slow.  one foot in front of the other. 

starting our climb around 10pm, we made it to the top with minutes to spare before the sunrise. it was the last official climbing weekend of the season. and we were climbing with at least 10,000 of our closest friends (we actually had traffic jams on the way up).

the summit was heavenly.  we could see all the way to the ocean.  truly breathtaking.

we rested at the top, and i marvelled at how amazing the human body is.  what a gift of strength we are given to surmount obstacles beyond our wildest dreams.  truly.  anything is possible.

standing at the summit i knew i could do anything.  anything.  until we started the descent.  loose, volcanic rock.  steep trail.  my knees screamed and said bad words at me.  i lost two toenails.  and i'm not going to lie...i cried when i realized our car was still a good hour away.  but something in my heart kicked in and i powered through the worst of it.  and when we reached the 5th station and our journey was complete, ten hours later, i felt so rewarded and thankful in the most unexplainable ways.

Q

dunn family photo shoot - 2012

grace

it's funny how memories catch up with you.  there was an impromptu art session going on at the kitchen table.  i rushed around with dinner.  life was stomping along at an even cadence.  we were halted by the first few notes.  her notes. they picked up in our minds.

hallelujah.  we were quiet.  the boys said, this is what grace sings.

we remembered that night cozied up in front of the fireplace at the cabin. my children, everyone, sat entranced.  she owned the room.  her notes soaring to the rafters.  babies asleep all around us.  family close.  it was in those moments her magic wove a spell upon our hearts. 

chasing her in their memories.  they found grace hidden amongst the notes.  she, the pied piper of my little boys.  singing hallelujah.

hollyhock

we should be this resilient.  or blissfully ignorant.  we should use our strength to bloom in any season.  we should be confident that the third time really is the charm.  welcome brave hollyhock to fall.  you are wearing your shorts in the snow just like a colorado native.  and your confidence is beautiful despite the weather on your horizon.  not only did my hollyhocks bloom thrice, they also appear to be shifting from pale yellow to pink...such an unusual growing season in colorado this year. 

well hello there.

baggy eyes aside, we are all headed into this post-spring break week rested and recharged.  there is nothing like the salty air and some fresh sea water up the back of your shorts to put things right in the world.  while i've been gone, my boys had their birthdays, we went to california, i completed some wedding invitations and did a guest blog post.  life is happening so fast these days.  brit and i are headed to nebraska in two weeks to pick up some things for the spring horseshoe on may 5th.  and the Lord willing, we will have that dang wood butcher cleaned out and gussied up and open by memorial day.  yep.  salty air and cold salt water will really get you going.

new music

so there we were, counting cows, in the middle of northern colorado.  i've got a girl on my right listening to phantom of the opera and a girl on my left listening to the wailin' jennys.  there was no choice but to drown out the boys in the show barn.  they were really (and i mean really loud) into 80s classic rock.  my mind was rocking like a hurricane at a bluegrass concert in the theater.  it's a wonder we ever got anything done.  alas, that is where i met the jennys.  and it has taken me all this time to turn them into my new favorite pandora station.  what a shame.  but tonight as i whipped up the most amazing black bean burritos, the jennys sat on my kitchen counter holding the recipe and their swooniness enveloped me. 

and a really nice thing about the jennys is that they introduced me to some other swoon worthy peeps.  meet our new friend bearfoot.  i like bare feet.  well, sort of.  i like being bare foot.  i don't really like others to be bare foot.  and i'm certain that bears feet are out.  but bearfoot is good.

and, Kate Rusby.  she was really polite, but she pushed the jennys out of the way and sang a beautiful song called i wish.  she pretty much killed it.

we are all going to be really great friends.  i might take them to work with me tomorrow.  i'm hoping they introduce me to some of their other friends.  we might have a party.  i'll let you know. 

{why are all of these pictures so wonky in this post?  i don't have the patience to figure this out.}

oHIo

ugly holiday sweater inspired craft

Source: wmcraftgoodies.blogspot.com via Meghan on Pinterest

if you need to know what to do with your ugly holiday sweater, look no further than pinterest.

this is my last post for the week.  we are off to ohio.  land of...i don't know.  all that comes to mind is the cleveland indians (my dad's team), drew carey, and the buckeyes.  (sorry ohioans who are cringing...) xoxo

i heart weddings

recipe for boy flavored jam

beans held his little berry carton out and kept asking me to fill it up.  i would give him what i'd picked and then start over again.  the berry stains on my fingers were a visible sign of our work.  i was singlely focused on raspberry jam.  but, you try picking berries in the 100 degree heat with your littles and see how far it gets you.  the owner of the farm looked at the fruits of my labor and said i was a little short.  that, perhaps, i could freeze what i had and then come back for red raspberry picking.  the mixture of red and black berries, i was told, work well together. 

the point?  you have to keep filling them up.  adding more berries to the carton.  putting in the work while the sun beats down on you.  even with tired, stained hands.  mosquitos whispering in your ears.  put a few more berries in his carton.  and then let them set a bit.  adding more.  testing for sweetness.  what you end up with may not be raspberry jam.  but the boy turns out with really nice flavor. 

if you live in the denver area, there is a sweet place up north called berry patch farms.  you must go there.  think flower patch.  red barn.  pig roaming about.  fresh veggies.  berries.  rocking chairs on the porch.  it's dreamy.  truly wonderful.  on second thought...forget i ever told you about it.  xoxo

a day in the real country

i like to say we live in the country.  and we do.  sort of.  but not like my aunt and uncle who are farmers on the northeastern plains of colorado.  every year they put on a big to do when they bring the wheat in for harvest.  and we {the boys} have so much fun climbing high above the fields in the combine.  cruising around the wheat in air conditioned style.  this year they took off without me.  left me in the dust with my camera.  and i had nothing to do but think about my brother and i climbing up there when we were kids.  walking through fields picking rye.  spending that week in july out on the farm.

name that wildflower v2-updated

last summer there were so many beautiful wildflowers at the cabin.  i set off on a fact finding mission to name as many as i could.  and made a silly contest out of my favorite flower, the sego lily.  at the cabin this year the flowers were completely different and some that i had not seen before.  however, richard j. shaw, author of the infamous cabin coffee table book wildflowers of grand teton and yellowstone national parks had them all mapped out for me.  these flowers came as no surprise to him.  been there done that.  how about you?  care to take a guess on the names of these lovely ladies?

answer:  sticky geranium

answer:  i was thinking this was a form of buckwheat {mostly i wanted to see if anyone else knew} but now i'm going with gayle's answer of pussytoes.  thanks so much for the guess.

answer:  silvery lupine

answer:  richardson's geranium