dream big

i face down today and know more than ever that i need to sit at this computer and write out my words in order to survive.  i must get back to the writing of my old days.  and in order to do this i have to clear out the cobwebs in my storied brain.  so i'm just going to keep going, ok?  

when i made the decision to go and i closed that door in my life, kindly.  all sorts of new opportunities began to present themselves.  for many years i've dreamed of going on an around the world trip with the kids.  i imagined the trip to take place at a prime age for my older son and a pretty good age for the younger.  i wanted a time when they would both remember the trip, but also before the angst of middle school set in.  

i just quit my J.O.B., yo.  and i had some thinking to do about the coming months.  and of course where i was way back then (in jan-april) i was still attempting to implement the perfect life and the perfect plan and land the perfect next job and all the while sitting in a giant mess of sadness and imperfection.  on a whim i emailed the principal at school and asked what it would look like if we traveled for a few months and didn't come to school.  i told her my dream.  

her response:  DREAM BIG. 

and then our lives really turned upside down. 

open door policy

i made a decision to go and i chose to leave some things behind, including my job.  that's scary on so many levels.  i was truly afraid.  i worried about losing friendships, income, status, MY HOUSE.  fear and scarcity tag teaming off each other messed with my mind.  i questioned myself daily, "who am i to think i deserve more than this?"  and at the same time, "what kind of person could walk away from a good thing?"  all i knew was that if i wanted to move beyond being stuck.  at a desk.  dreaming about the life i wanted.  i had to change my thinking.  

my mind had been trained a certain way.  obviously.  in order to change my circumstances i also had to change how and what i thought about them.  doing one thing well for many years, staying, was ok (fear).  i mastered things i never thought possible (routine).  i learned all i could so that i could hold on to what i had (scarcity).  i achieved a type of success (compromise).  whatever success it was, it never seemed to matter in the ways i hoped.  and i started to fail in other ways that seemed significant and inevitably soul crushing.  a soul can only take so much, i'm told.

finally i took the training wheels off my mind.  and i imagined all the worst case scenarios, decided they were not likely, and started to plan for the best case scenarios.  life is not all or nothing.  that's the old thinking.  the more rigid and finite our minds, the less opportunity allowed.  the more faith, risk, and dreams we practice the better our chances are for happiness.  no more was i willing to live a life based on fear, routine, scarcity and compromise.  it was a "fixed mindset" kind of life and i am all about growing. (yes, i read Mindset).

i didn't take a leap of faith.  there was no safety net.  i really planned and worked out what needed to happen.  it was hard learning a new way of thinking.  i'm still learning.  i will always be learning.  none of this happened overnight.  it is a challenging process full of ups and downs.  but it's funny.  i can't imagine having the courage to move on without once being stuck.  i will never go back, those doors are closed.  i can dream about the future and actively pursue it.  opening doors all the way.

decision

let's just say i outgrew my job.  i put in some good try hard for twenty two years.  and still i felt like a quitter.  but going is growing.  let's also say that it was complicated because i worked for a family.  and family is family even if they are not your blood.  people you go to war with and for every day earn a place in your heart.  going to war feels scary and tiring.  but you care about the people so you stay and fight.  but you can love people even when you outgrow your job.  so you go.

the unbalancing

until very recently i believed that other people could live their dreams and that other people had choices i was not able to make.  i gave all my power away.  and it was sad to be powerless and choiceless.  it felt like being stuck.  what little energy i kept for myself i used up trying hard at all the things.  there is never enough trying hard.  it's exhausting and also sad.  it was time to make my own choices.  so i did.  

i want to tell you all about how i quit my job after twenty two years, and my husband got a job for the first time in ten years in another state, and that i became a stay at home mom (for however briefly) and how we made a plan to take our kids out of school so we could travel until january.  but i haven't found all the words, yet.  for now, just look at this costume i saw at l'opera garnier in paris, you guys. try making choices, too.  it feels great.  the world is waiting for you to show up.