love a neighbor

the dog barks and growls and announces a visitor.  the boys come hollering into the living room.  "he's here.  he's here.  our neighbor is here."  at seven thirty in the pm i step out the door to meet him in the dusky cool.  {in my pajamas.  because, face it.  at least for this week i'm the kind of girl who goes to work and wears pants with buttons by day, and the girl who wears only elastic from five in the pm on.  it is literally the first thing i do when i get home.  hi, how was your day, where are my pajamas?}  he's always wobbly as a newborn kitten.  today was no different.  he walks when he can't drive.  and.  sometimes.  as horrifying as it may seem, driving is the only thing that keeps him going.   his walking is equal parts perilous.  he needed a break from hotel lonely he told me.  and he missed his wife.  i watched his eyes as he described their wedding day.  he got lost in her beauty long gone.  those are the important memories, i thought.  his other memories weren't coming to mind as readily as they did only a few months ago.  he took a breather in my kitchen.  all ninety one years of tired, heaped up there.  he is always welcome at my table. sometimes he takes me up on the offer.  joining a link up about how we love our neighbors here.

the life cycle of a girl

the great horned owl hooting in the night sky keeps me company while i burn out my morning pages by star light.  i'm working around some great magic that's been locked away in the responsible part of myself.  i know you know the responsible part, friend.  it's who you learned to be when you became the rule following, people pleaser - as did I.  it's the little girl who took on the weight of the world and called herself out for every stupid, embarrassing, little mistake she made.  the girl who carried glue and tape in her pocket prepared for each worst case scenario.  oh, that girl.  if i could, i would hold her tight and make her know she was not alone.  instead i write her out of the shadows and into the spotlight on the pages of my notebook.

the try hard, fix it, do more, be more life can only take us so far.  eventually the little girl has to grow up and face her disappointment and joys as an adult.  and it is just way easier to pretend to be grown up than to actually accomplish the task.  to leave the sadness and pain out of the story would dull the happiness and joy. but there's been so much sadness lately, so let me tell you about the joy.  the gratitude for the life i have.  i helped to raise a girl not my own.  she was my responsibility, and i her servant.  many days i wondered if i was in over my head.  i was not clear on how to be of use to her.  twenty some years later, she asks me to help her give back.  today she starts her life's work with a servant's heart.  with compassion for others and selfless motives.

letting a girl go into the world is bittersweet.  for our own selfish reasons we hold on to her tightly.  watching her grow up can be painful.  we've been a part of the story once before and it's a page turner, nonetheless.  our hearts ache for her; our hearts ache for the little girl inside ourselves.  letting her know that no matter what.  she is not alone.  in the joy.  in the disappointment.  that's the real good part.  we are all in this together.  growing and going and giving back.

for the love of the internet

shannan speaks to my heart.  for all of the ways a person could get lost in the world wide web.  for all of the bigness blogging has become.  for all of the ways a person could feel small on the internet.  she helps me feel connected.  she helps me feel heard.  she brings tears to my eyes and joy in my heart.  she is a champion, an inspirer, and a light in dark places.  thank you, always, for your faithful encouragement and beautiful words.  {flower patch farmgirl}

she also has the most amazing community of encouraging blogging friends.  not only is she a personal cheerleader to the little guy {me}, but she also links to a world of outside encouragement delivered straight to your laptop.  i was reading this article "during my lunch hour" at work, and it was much needed inspiration.  so glad i read about her.  write on writer.  {jen hatmaker}

when shannan says kind things about you, or just links to your blog, a whole new world of readers land at your doorstep.  a new friend has me thinking about all of the things.  her words are so relevant to my heart right now.  i love her idea of neighbors feeding neighbors.  {lori harris}

totally unrelated, but monumental nonetheless, this was the best advice i've read since, well, ever.  we all struggle with parenting the littles at times.  "come at me bro" parenting is my new favorite.  {rage against the mini-van}

have a happy weekend.  xoxo

keep

my children prefer to keep their stories private.  thank goodness.  i want to tell all the things about them, but i respect their limits.  they are able to advocate for themselves.  it is a good lesson for me in what to give to others and what to keep for myself.  i am striving for authenticity and integrity in my writing and in my life.  i want to tell my stories, and at the same time keep my sensitivity and vulnerability close to my heart.  stories need an audience.  i yearn to keep quiet, but here in this space i lovingly give my words away because stories cannot be kept.

join five minute friday here.

unlocked

my mind is still percolating over the crooked path.  i like to run right past sad.  i prefer to characterize myself as happy.  like, all the time.  i will tell you i'm fine.  that i have all the things handled.  and i will not ask for your help.  can you literally feel the collective eye roll from my people?  and did the sigh out of their ever loving mouths blow past you like a cool nor'easter?  i'm unlearning all the years of thinking that doing more, and being more is the answer to happiness.  fake it til you make it is my archenemy.  i am currently not full up of others - i'm letting them handle their own things.  and i am building my confidence up for real life.  i am not rushed.  not numbed.  just holed up and still in all the discomfort of new ways.  i'm doing my best to be quiet when all these millions of thoughts and feelings are demanding attention.

bucket friend update:  i do over-think all the things.  but in these days of driving by and wondering about the toothy guy on the corner, my hope is that he feels cared for.  and i think he does, you guys.  because i see people reaching out to him.  and, yesterday, he had two oranges an apple and six cans of soup.  so i know i'm not the only one who sees him.  i hand him bread to satisfy my own perception of his need and in return i get to hear his voice. someday i might know his name.  his real need.  someday i might hold a bit of his story.  for now we have gotten to the weather.  and that is leaps and bounds beyond the day we finally made eye contact.  this is my very favorite kind of thing.