we had a front porch conversation that rivaled all front porch conversations. teenager meets middle aged mom. we talked about bullies and judgement and what not. a real impromptu gut wrencher in the country. my heart was topsy turvy as i laid these irretractable words on him - i want to know your bully. what makes him tick. i sized him up and let that soak in a bit. after all, he was the one on the receiving end. i just wanted to see where he landed on the subject; how heavy my words would sit on his shoulders. let's just say he schooled me on compassion. among the other wise things he said, this one dropped me to my knees: i know what makes him tick. he needs help, it's really bad for him.
and so it is at the precipice of a roller coaster's hill - we sit on top of the world with butterflies. the ride is going smoothly, even when the gears are ratcheting up. the view is beautiful, but our grip tightens. stronger and stronger the nudging and heart rendering feelings indicate that. this. is. about. to. get. crazy. it's thrilling and terrifying, and there is no turning back. the only way off the ride is to get past the scary part.
there have been many times fear has urged me to close my eyes and hold on tight to what my human heart knows. in my mind's dark place, fear grows and corrodes and corrupts. i have seen the truth, however painful, shine its light on fearful places. rejection breeds loathing and acceptance fosters love. on that front porch roller coaster hill, i confessed that i was not going to live in fear another day. that i wanted to run towards the messy, ugly and uncomfortable, not away. i can no longer close my eyes to what is in front of me. fear festers and urges us to cling to the bar and scream against the unknown. from the safety of the front porch we can let go of the bar, and open our eyes because love's light is there. love will always win over fear and darkness. for both victim and bully. just and unjust. righteous and sinner. it is the only way off the roller coaster.
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