joy is....

joy is the peaceful second before the fight over the last corner piece begins.  

first day

i turned away from the bus and caught my neighbor's eye.  he said, "don't do it!"  but i still sniffled and the tears welled in my eyes.  i had to flee before the full on sob happened. 

we have the magic kindergarten teacher again.  i swear we have the best kindie teachers at our school.  in the world.  seriously.  she had her eye on me, though.  i think i scarred her in 2010. 
.

after i took seventy million pictures at the flag pole of beans trying to hide from me, she mentioned, "there will be oj and doughnuts going on in the library.  where kindie parents can go to, you know, do what they do.  you know if you need support or something." 

then she laughed.  i imagine she was remembering the ugly cry i did when i left sweet pea with her the first time. 

sweet pea walked himself to class.  i stopped in to meet his teacher and give him a hug goodbye.  the craziest thing happened.  as i leaned in...i was painfully aware that i was just about to embarass him.  he turned away and i got totally shut down.  sigh...

i blame netflix

it all started with cheaper by the dozen old school (circa 1950) via netflix.  a true american story.  and honestly, for as funny as the movie was, it didn't end well.  *spoiler* just silence on a phone line signaling the death of a father, sent my children into hysterics.  and it led to hours of stories about my dad and how his heart gave out just like mr. gilbreth's did.  and as my baby (i know.  he's five.) lay crying because he will never know his papa, my silent tears stung just as greatly.  and as i tried to comfort him, my thoughts went to my own grandfather who left this life so early in my childhood.  and i thought, even though i knew him and have my very own memories of him, i will never know him without the help of other people's stories.  and those stories come from angled points of view.  daughters.  wife.  acquaintences.  relatives.  i know that's the way for my boys.  they get to hear stories about their papa.  but they will never really know him.  and it's funny.  for as little as i knew my own grandfather, i still feel him in my heart.  and the memories i have of him live there despite his physical absence.  and i wonder if that love and yearning my boys have for the man they will never know comes from the great love he had for them.  that even though he is not on this earth, he left a distinct imprint on their hearts.  just like my gramps.

it's been a long time in the blogging world.  i hope some of you are still around.  we have been working so hard preparing for the spring horseshoe market, that blogging needed to go by the wayside.  it's always hard for me at this time of the year.  it's bittersweet.  i miss my dad as much as the day he left.  four years ago today.  my life would have been so different had he stayed.  but life does go on.  and things are as they should be.  i suppose.

on the banks of plum creek

as the school year starts to wind down, i realize that another time in our lives is about to pass.  and that is the ever coveted tuesday at home.  i have been so fortunate to have a job that would even consider letting me stay home with my boys one day a week.  i have really loved having one on one time with beans.  and i have equally loved being in sweet pea's first grade class on tuesday mornings.  today i had the best reading group ever with the boys.  followed by a heart busting rendition of "lean on me" by one of the kids in the class.  sweet pea's teacher said he brings her to tears every day. 

i made it home from first grade just in time to pack up a picnic lunch for beans and i to share down at the creek.  we live in this special kind of place where if you tell someone that you had lunch by the beaver dam, they know exactly where.  and even though everyone knows where the beaver dam is.  when you're there it seems like you have it all to yourself.  and you have found the most secret, undiscovered piece of property in the world.  we took the puppy.  that dog would not let beans out of his sight.  they shared a ham sandwich (not by beans choice).  and gussy threw himself the stick in the water a hundred times and then sprinted to catch it. 

the only time they left each other's side was when beans headed up the hill without us.  and it was troublesome to gus.  he was full of worry and dismay.  and when he laid eyes on his boy again, there was much wimpering and licking, and promises to never let beans get so far ahead.  ever.  again.

circus bike

agents sweet pea and beans

at Christmas this year, my boys found a briefcase with some very important spy gear under the tree.  there were instructions that helped them find hidden messages around our house.  those messages led them on fact finding missions and geocaching treasure hunts.  since december, agents sweet pea and beans have learned about hidden ink, and how to break codes.  they have received postcards from tanzania and egypt (for realz) sending them on special missions.  they have learned to email, and have established a correspondence protocol for reporting their findings.  most recently they were asked to dig in a snow bank where x marks the spot and found crazy disguises.  it was all i could do to keep them from going to school incognito.  i have an amazing kind of brother.  don't tell the boys, though.  they don't his real identity:  special agent holmes, in charge of training new recruits.

he is...

the bread and butter to my soul

Christmas Vacation

my biggish child avoids pictures at all costs.  however, because he was watching a movie {and i was holding him down} he paused for one photo from the paparazzi.

i have a simple question.  does anyone lose their upper lip when smiling?  i often wonder how i can be so long in the gum.  it reminds me of that fireman (jim carrey) on in living color (from back in the day).

 oh yeah.  my husband is that cute.  and he's holding a puppy.  he's quite a catch.

my baby really is a tortured soul.  tonight he cried himself to sleep praying about his horse situation.  i kid you not.  he told me later that God told him to "give up the dream."  this boy kind of scares me sometimes.  he said he only had one chance to believe in horses and that is all gone now.  it will be interesting to see where he goes from here.  i have a feeling the dream won't die so easily.

oh dear.

today we were scanning through channels on the radio in the car.  beans heard the words "cry to Jesus."  he asked me what that meant.  i told him, for instance (putting this in 4 year old terms), that if he were sad/ crying he might ask Jesus for help.  {incidentally, he is at the age now where he actually hears the real words in a song and asks a lot of questions.}  in true beans fashion.  he paused for 2.2 seconds and came back with this..."if a bully punches me, i will punch him right back.  i will ask God if that is ok, but i'm going to just get out of the way in case he tries to punch me again."  i decipher that as:  the only time beans anticipates crying is a situation in which he gets punched by a bully.  theoretically.  and, seriously?!?

keep in mind, this is the boy who started saving his own money for "a full size horse, not a pony.  there's no way i'm riding a PONY." 

and the boy who wants to play hockey because...

beans:  "i will be in the penalty box.  i am going to learn how they shove in hockey."

me:  "the point of hockey is to get the puck in the goal.  not to hurt people {shudder...again, remember 4 year old}."

beans:  "i will shove them out of the way so i can get the puck in the goal."

it's not a matter of if, but when, my baby will be doing hard time.  who is this man child?

fare thee well, october.

 {the bounty of pumpkins and squash from our garden}

 {sweet pea...aka teen wolf}

{i am...batman}

i am batman

up to the very moment that beans was dragging me into the halloween super store i still knew i would not buy anything there.  my child would not be a walking commercial.  i would not over consume.  i was making halloween costumes this year if it killed me {truth be told it might}.  i knew that to my core.  until he saw batman and it was all over.  i tried.  i was firm.  i did tough love.  but the power in that child is just too strong.  the costume had a utility belt.  and a mask.  and he says things like, "now i can prove to my brother without a doubt that i can fly."

it went roughly against my grain.  and he has already complained that, "this utility belt isn't working for me.  i can't put my hands in the pouches.  and there is no batarang."  there are already grass stains on the knees, and he is threatening to wear it to school tomorrow.  and heaven help me if he tries.  because i can't.  say.  no.  to.  him.

ho hum

i'm sitting here.  lonely.  my family has flown the coop.  me and the dog are a little mopey.  as a matter of fact, he didn't even want to go outside this morning.  i'm certain that the lack of testosterone in the house has made him question the importance of the outdoor potty.  but i imagine my boys are watering every tree in grand teton national forest without him.  i can feel his angst.  there's a lot of tension coming from that direction.

i was laughing last night when our town librarian called me.  she said that you have all these big plans and then your family leaves and suddenly nothing you had to do seems all that important.  however, this morning it took me the exact same amount of time to get ready for work except for the entire house is clean, the dishes done, and one load of laundry is complete.  so i don't know.  little bodies under foot must slow me down a bit.  and speed up my sense of urgency.

the point of this post if there is one.  would you like me to get to it?  i don't know that there is one, sorry.  all i know is that i woke up this morning praying that my kids didn't fall into jenny lake.  knowing all the while that my husband is way better at "paying attention" to their antics than i am.  hoping that one little colorado columbine plant makes it to the sweet family that will house us this weekend.  wondering about 20 year class reunions.  anxiously anticipating all the friends coming from san diego.  and seattle.  looking forward to some good visiting.  a rodeo, parade and fireworks.

i guess i'm just sitting here where it is so quiet.  and clean.  and, to be honest, boring.  i have all the time in the world, but none of it seems very exciting without constant thought interruption.   i miss my boys.  the end. 

moonlight beach

secret agent beans: the break dancing bad boy of little town america

morning.

just a couple of things. 

does anyone find the age of four to be equally rewarding/ challenging?  it's like...one minute you are watching him break dance on the kitchen floor and the next minute he's throwing a tantrum because you won't let him have cheez-its for breakfast.

no rhyme or reason i say.  four is fly by the seat of your pants with cute half a block behind gasping and wheezing...trying. to. catch. up.

come to think of it.  how does my four year old even know about break dancing?  and, fyi, he's got the beat in his soul that little one.  he rocks out in a major way.  and he has moves.  but that beans is a sly one.  he knows things he doesn't let on about.  anyone have a second child who is mostly incognito but will make a power move if given the chance?  is this a second child characteristic?

somewhere along the way, the boys thought because we moved to the "country" the most available bathroom was outside.  anyone out there an all boy mom with a gray hair problem?

for the love of pete.  someone tell me why i feel like an old/ brand spankin new mom who learned nothing the first go around?  have all the rules changed in the last two years? 

signed,

mom of a four year old break dancer

what four looks like

i am certain if we all hopped on one foot when greeting each other, the world would be a much happier place.

at preschool drop off mrs. b asked beans to say hello to a new friend.  he ran around the circle area and spun out on his back then got up and strutted over to her.  with a big smile, she started hopping on one foot.  so he hopped too.  common ground.

it made me happy. 

my how he's grown

this picture was taken in october of 2008. 
beans was a year and a half. 
as feisty as ever.

we will celebrate his fourth birthday on sunday. 

he's grown, but he's still feisty.



marching along

i had these amazing visions of performing supermom stunts like building a chicken coop and painting chairs.  but it turns out that just being a full-time working mother and trying to manage two boys on my own was enough.  thankfully i was able to arrange help from all of the state side grandparents.  and that sweet vegetarian neighbor who took sp to the bus stop in the am.  thank you so much for answering my calls for help.   

obviously last week blogging went by the wayside.  but i did manage to clothe and feed my babies.  i kept the house clean, did laundry, took the boys to the pool, managed to keep a job...even put gas in the cars.

but now that my sweet love is back home, i have all the time in the world to focus on the most important task.  celebrating the little boys who have graced us over the years.  this week my baby turns four.  and next week my once little pea becomes six.  i can't wait to relish in their boyness.  and just be mom.

missing tooth

look past the chapped lips and the kool-aid mustache and you will notice that my soon to be six year old lost his very first tooth.  i can't prove it, but i believe it was actually his first tooth. the one that poked it's little head out when he was only four months old.  and for that reason i may never part with it.  ever.  strange?

sp hid it under his pillow and first thing in the morning the alarm was sounded.  an intruder, undetected, visited in the night.  an eyewitness report from beans led us to believe that the tooth fairy looked like a large shaped tooth with a sucker in its mouth.  he saw it.  he was sleeping, and he opened his eyes and there was the tooth fairy.  there is no arguing with a three year old.  especially mine.  and sweet pea is so patient with these morning stories.  his only retort was, you did not see the tooth fairy.  and beans responded, that's because the tooth fairy doesn't exist.  and here is the juxtaposition of my three year old.  he argues one way, he argues the other.  and then he pretends like you never had the conversation.  who is this mystery child who knows so much and so little at the same time? 

another milestone.  they are flying by so quickly.  sigh...

hello, hello.

thanks to everyone who hosted us, played with us, visited, ate, laughed and made this holiday really special.