i'm not a baby! i'm a big boy!

three years ago, today, i sat at the kitchen table debating baby names with my dad, aunt b and my ever patient husband. i was stuck on caden. brad was still mulling girl names. i woke up at the crack of dawn to shower for my 37 week appointment, trying to get myself together before sweet pea made his appearance for the day. looking back, i'm not sure if i heard or felt a pop. but i had a sneaking suspicion that our family makeup was going to change sooner rather than later. at the doctor's office they could not confirm that my water had broken. they told me to come back after lunch to verify the results of the lab work (i already knew). one more rico's salad before labor. the calm before the storm. brad was a naysayer. he counseled me not to jump to conclusions without all the information. i get that a lot. but i was sure of two things. i wasn't going back to the doctor's office without my suitcase or a name for my baby. several hours later i phoned our family with the good news. we had a healthy baby boy. the namesake of my great grandfather. my parents cried; mom for the joy and dad for the honor. he was our little bean.

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the years since he was born have been breathtaking. i literally feel like i have been standing on a windy hill unable to speak. the moments have flown by me like leaves in the breeze. and as i finally catch my breath, i see this pudgy cheeked little guy holding my hand, giving me kisses, still saying "hold you mommy." i feel his sweet whispers in my ear at night saying, "i love you mommy, i will never stop loving you." i laugh at how much he knows but will not say. or how much he says without understanding. he is brave but patient. he is strong but kind. he is loyal and silly. he has a laugh for every purpose: one when he's pretending to be silly, one for being tickled, and one unexpected laugh that you know means something is really funny. he is so different from sweet pea, and yet strives to be the same.

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once someone told me, "i fell in love with my little one at first sight. i can't remember what life without children was like." i secretly did not understand what they meant. i was afraid to tell anyone that i was scared. scared to love someone as much or maybe even more than myself. i thought something was wrong with me for feeling so afraid. because after all, i always wanted this life. i always wanted to be a wife and mother. but the love looming on my horizon was overwhelming. before sweet pea and beans, brad and i were a happily married couple. i remember what that was like. i don't ever want to forget how important that life was, or what life was like before the little ones. but now there exists a fierce and powerful love between each of us. a whole love. an amazing sense of content and complete. because of those boys we are a full circle. so, on this day, the day of my baby's (i'm not a baby. i'm a big boy.) third birthday, i say with the most gratitude in my heart that i am so thankful to be a wife and mother. it feels like the most important thing i will ever do. and, i hope that in the fourth year of his life i will be able to stand on the hill with the storm behind me and notice every leaf on that big tree. before they blow away.

happy birthday beansy boy!

love,

mommy