unlocked

my mind is still percolating over the crooked path.  i like to run right past sad.  i prefer to characterize myself as happy.  like, all the time.  i will tell you i'm fine.  that i have all the things handled.  and i will not ask for your help.  can you literally feel the collective eye roll from my people?  and did the sigh out of their ever loving mouths blow past you like a cool nor'easter?  i'm unlearning all the years of thinking that doing more, and being more is the answer to happiness.  fake it til you make it is my archenemy.  i am currently not full up of others - i'm letting them handle their own things.  and i am building my confidence up for real life.  i am not rushed.  not numbed.  just holed up and still in all the discomfort of new ways.  i'm doing my best to be quiet when all these millions of thoughts and feelings are demanding attention.

bucket friend update:  i do over-think all the things.  but in these days of driving by and wondering about the toothy guy on the corner, my hope is that he feels cared for.  and i think he does, you guys.  because i see people reaching out to him.  and, yesterday, he had two oranges an apple and six cans of soup.  so i know i'm not the only one who sees him.  i hand him bread to satisfy my own perception of his need and in return i get to hear his voice. someday i might know his name.  his real need.  someday i might hold a bit of his story.  for now we have gotten to the weather.  and that is leaps and bounds beyond the day we finally made eye contact.  this is my very favorite kind of thing.