fierce

i have good friends.  friends that push just enough.  and friends who know how to back down.  friends that are happy to shine, and friends who cheer from the shadows.  i am not a person of great will power.  it takes a certain kind of friend to encourage me to climb mountains.  when someone talks about surmounting their own obstacles i can envision myself doing the same.  my body can carry me to the summit.  but my mind has other plans.

a few weeks ago, my family got the amazing opportunity to climb with an EXUM guide in Grand Teton National Park.  we are so fortunate to get to share these kinds of experiences together.  we spent 6 hours with boys in tow.  climbing and pushing limits.  the hardest part for me was thinking of pushing away from the rock as my big toe and tiny finger tips glued me in place.  my muscles were quivering and maddie said push away.  you can do it.  look at you.  you are fierce.  and i thought to myself.  that word has NEVER been used to describe me.  EVER.  she asked me to step down.  we looked at the rock.  she showed me an impossible position.  and then she said to go for it.  i reached and i climbed and i did the thing i never imagined doing.

this weekend, as i said good-bye to age thirty seven, i found myself on a mountain face looking up a steep incline.  it's an easy fourteener.  so they say.  but i have no frame of reference.  i remembered the advice of a friend who said, one foot in front of the other.  my breathing was erratic initially, but i forced it into a rythym.  i took many breaks.  my calves would scream, and i would dance around loosening them up.  i was tense with the fear that i might cling to my old ways and turn back.  how easy it would be for me to admire the summit from afar.  i took a deep breath, closed my eyes and remembered pushing away from the rock and trusting the strength in my body to get me through.  with my mind in focus, i began picking short goals and surpassing them.  we came upon some men who were resting.  in unison they began to sing The Eye of the Tiger.  humor never hurts when you are in pain.  almost at the top, there were children everywhere and a sweet girl in flip flops with giant blisters on her heels.  we approached the false summit, but were not fooled by nature's trick.  the boulder field was the best part for me.  i kept in mind everything maddie said when we were playing at the foot of The Grand.  navigating the straight up boulders seemed more inviting than the steep trail.

at the top i cried a little.  to think i may have turned back when all i had to do was just fight through a few minutes of self doubt.  i cried that day on the rock with maddie too.  it was the first time i realized that my body had no problem surpassing the limitations my mind had imposed.  i am fortunate to have the ability to summit.  i hope not to squander that gift.  as i carry on through this next year of life, i want to remember to push away from the safety of the rock.  from what i "know."  and trust that there is something bigger, unbelievable, unknowable, unseeable just beyond my comprehension.  xoxo, friends.  thirty eight is great.