underneath it all

this year will not be easily summed up for me in goals or one word boxes.  this is my year for starting over.  for surmounting obstacles.  for sticking to my guns.  for living the life i want.  for stepping outside my comfort zone.  for throwing out all the things i've tried so hard to make work.  for watching the past slip away and taking baby steps into the wild unknown.  for kissing boys not long ago babies.  and loving on puppies.  for playing games in first grade.  and singing the alphabet with preschoolers.  for embracing my husband.   for making art.  writing.  photographing.  repurposing. 

i am hoping this year to find the girl who left college wanting to advocate for children.  who studied policy and debated the merits with anyone who would listen.  someone who stood for something.  whatever that was.  someone who used her voice for the benefit of others.  she's been squashed down to the bottom of "doing the practical thing" for way to long now. 

it's funny how far away from that girl i had to travel.  how many questions i had to ask.  how much approval i needed to seek.  to find myself back at square one.  underneath it all.  all the trying to make a living.  all the trying to be the perfect ____________ .  here i am.  starting to make a life.

i have had years of many goals.  i have tried the "one word" approach to living in the new year.  i have worked on cutting things out.  but, for the last month i just decided to be quiet.  i stopped reading blogs.  all of them.  i was worried my voice, the voice meant for me, was becoming distorted and drowned out by all the others.  i have so much to say.  so much writing to be done.  so many littles to brag about.  and so many beginnings just waiting for me to show up.  i'm excited about the adventure this year has in store for us.  for the first time it doesn't feel wobbly and unsure.  it feels bold and powerful.  welcome 2012!