when enough is enough

i've been taking the long way home.  it's amazing what a single strand of lights looks like from the crest of a country road.  it makes our home look like a palatial estate.  each year i waffle between:  my dad would be so proud, and welcome to small town america griswold family.  but it's as i round the bend (over the river and through the woods) and i see our home.  i literally gasp with delight.  and i think we live here.  all of us together.  and that's enough.

i have been wrapped up in a life of fancy people and their glittery things.  it's my job.  once in awhile i remember why i come to that place.  when she calls and tells me she loves me.  or tells me of her childhood memories.  of me.  my first child, but not my own.  still firmly entrenched in my heart.  and i think that what i do matters.  she is good and whole.  she is enough.

i have spent a great deal of time trying to make my life perfect.  never forgetting a detail.  making sure all of the pieces fit.  holding things together.  protecting my heart and my home from the what ifs.  collecting my people in a safe place and sheltering them from come what may.  and i failed.  i missed the easy one.  and it broke me down like a sledgehammer to my heart.  but i've said it so many times.  those cracks let in the most light.  and goodness.  and things start to grow from dark places.  and i did that.  i am enough.

as i sit on the hill and am delighted and embarassed by the sight of my lights, i will not be distracted.  i know that behind all that glitter and shine.  behind the glamour and the things.  behind the problems and their polish.  behind those things i already have all i need.  and that is enough.