the painted doorway

if i stretched my arms wide, i could not hold my entire blessed life.  i'm sure there have been times that i was less than thankful, but i can't remember them.  even my darkest day showed me a silver lining.  in the not so distant past i discovered my vulnerability, and with it creativity came slinking back.  creative, positive people have been seeping in through doors long closed, and with them, an abundance of ideas and inspiration.  i offered to help, and made a real discovery.  i'm good at teaching.  i have an unmistakable feeling that all this time i have been looking down when i should have been looking up, looking inward instead of outward, looking left instead of right.  i am supposed to be doing something with this life and the gifts i've been given.  i'm really good at "making things work" {aka looking really good in the ugly holiday sweater}.  so, here i sit in a fancy job, crunching numbers for fancy people, and all the while my heart keeps asking "is this it?"  for the life of me i don't understand how it all fits.  i trot through each day, posting around the arena, and i find myself back at the gate where i started.  same fancy job, same yearning in my heart.  it feels uncomfortable.  for quite awhile i had my eye on the prize, so to speak.  i was looking at the means to an end.  but now my vision has been forever changed.  i'm forever changed.  and i am pushing on a door that has been painted shut by words like, you shouldjustwaityouaresoluckyriskisdangerousfearchangeyouwillbemakingabigmistake.  i want to just gather up all i can hold, the whole big lot of it, and just throw it to the wind.  i want to ignore those who would warn me of danger.  for once i don't want to plan for the end game.  i don't want to position. i don't want to control.  i don't want to win for the sake of winning.  i just want the blessings to fall where they may.  so i can gather them again.  all shuffled and askew.  and sort them out in a way that fits a forever changed heart.  so, sweet friends, what would you do if you knew the door you thought was painted shut could simply be opened?  would you walk through it?  would you look back, hesitant, or run towards it?  do you know what is holding you back or leading you forward?  i really, truly, want to know.