haiti part one - change

haiti.  slowly the word haiti has seeped into my pores.  a year ago i chatted with a neighbor about how her church was involved in many ongoing projects there.  she said with tears in her eyes how the need was so great.  a friend travelled there and documented the conditions.  prior to the earthquake.  disasterous.  little by little i was learning more and more about a place that was far from my day to day routine.  then there was an earthquake that multiplied the devastation to indescribable proportions.  it brought that tiny country's dysfunction to the forefront.  and decades, centuries, of struggle weighed on the minds of the world.  how best to help a country with a failing infrastructure.  how best to help children.  how to reunite families.  how to rebuild what was already broken.

brad's step mom went to haiti months ago and we talked about what it was like there and what still needed to be done.  while she was sharing her experience, i had an overwhelming feeling like i should be there.  on the ground.  using my hands.  to give something in a place where i was completely anonymous.  to someone who would never know me again.  where i could do good hard work.  and as she finished her story she mentioned she was going back.  and truly, i was left with a gift.  all i had to do was open it.  i told her right away, "i'm going with you."  she continued to talk more about putting her team together and what kind of work they might do.  i realized i had only rattled the box.  i wasn't sure she had heard me.  more emphatically i said, "i am going with you."

i worried about leaving my boys.  but in my heart i was resigned to the fact that the need in haiti was so much greater than any fear i could ever have.  so much bigger than anything i could comprehend.  that someones little was sick and lonely in the world.  that someones husband was missing.  that they were starving.  that they had no where to go.  in my heart i find it necessary to contribute, in some way, to the well being of the world.  be it cleaning birds in the gulf.  building shelter for our neighbors in louisiana.  protecting democracy.  or helping a small child navigate its way through life.  haiti feels like where i should be.  and in choosing this path i hope to teach my boys to take the risk.  to choose humanity.  to value culture.  to be the kind of boys who will grow into men who serve a greater good.   

i wrote but never posted this entry below.  please read:

january 21, 2009.  with all that was going on in the world yesterday, i realized that there are much grander things and more defining moments than the one i am in now. that there is a big picture. but as i sat there watching the inauguration with sweet pea i remembered this quote, "you must be the change you wish to see in the world." and i thought to myself, you must be the change you wish to see in your own world too.

the gift was in my heart all along.  i just hadn't found the voice for it yet.  and even up to this very moment where the words are leaking out little by little, i wasn't quite sure how to say it.  i am going.  i am going to haiti in february.  i'm not sure where we will be located, but it will (most likely) not be in port au prince.  one of the main goals in the recovery process is to stimulate local economies.  to get people out of port au prince and back to work in their own communities.  some will feed to work.  some will work to feed.  there will be a health clinic.  and re-building.  and lots of time to care for children.  and i'm sure as my heart finds its voice it will scream with unabashed joy and utter despair.  i am so thankful to find the words, receive this gift, and have this place to tell you all about it.