what has to be said

it's like my friend said.  i guess i have been struggling.  in my soul.  with so many things.  but struggling a lot to make a stand.  to just put it out there and say enough is enough.  struggling with what that means.  how will my life look if i stand for something?  how will it look if i don't?  rather than just drift the tides, year after year, what would it be like if i planted my feet?  

and all that inner deliberating.  debilitating deliberating.  limited my words.  stifled my soul.  i have wondered where the time has gone.  why i haven't accomplished the things i've set out to do.  i have been so busy living like i've lost something, that i forgot to look around and see what i've made. 

i still falter.  i still question.  and long.  and forget to be thankful.

here's where i'm going to say what needs to be said.  i cower.  i make excuses.  i look for the easy way out.  and i wait.  i wait for something to happen.  i wait for a sign.  i am paralyzed in the waiting.  i would much rather that someone give me the easy, wishy washy way out so i don't have to be the decider.  i would much rather please anyone rather than be visible in my choices.  it's a problem i have. so i started asking for help.  first i prayed about it.  then i started asking questions.  and the answers didn't get me really any further along.  they just justified the fact that i am deathly afraid to stand up for what i believe in.  any of those things i believe in. 

so i cowered.  and i asked more questions.  attempting to go around the truth.  i got some more answers that were different.  but the same.  see the following:

he said to me, "have you done everything in your power to use your voice to stand for what you believe in?"  and i responded, "i can't."

and then i went to lunch.  i was severely reprimanded.  and i must admit she had some good arguments.  the best of which was, "you choose your path.  you make it happen.  it doesn't just appear"  she said, "lead by example."  it was an expletive laced commentary on the state of my soul.  or lack there of.

b listened to my entire story, and then she said it best,  "watch out."  and boy was she right.  since those fateful words of inactivity.  the ones where i chose to do nothing.  i have been completely bombarded.  with every possible scenario that would require me to stand up for myself, for others, to others.  the minute i threw up the roadblock.  that exact minute was when everything changed. 

oddly enough, the mack truck has lifted off my chest.  my soul is no longer struggling for air.  it happened in an instant.  i was going one direction, and  then i was upended and sent the other way.  feet planted, i'm confident that my running days are over.  i have a lot of words to use in a day (so says my husband).  i'm excited to see how they will work and how far they will take me.  oh man.  i do hope i've learned my lesson.  sheesh.