at the core

at the core we are all perfectly made.  despite what we may think.  despite how we interfere.

yet, every day i struggle with perfection.  i struggle with what i'm not.  i compensate for all of my insecurities with your approval.  i hold you to a certain standard and myself to another unrealistic way of life.  i hope you will see how hard i work.  how i put it all together.  how in control i am.

as i struggle, i'm often left feeling less than.  a pretender.  critical.  skeptical.  lazy.  faithless.  and i know i'm not enough for you.  because i know what you need.  i can make it work.  i will try harder.  i will pay the price.  as long as you are happy.

i have been thinking long and hard about the cost of this struggle.  what it costs for me to strive to make you happy.  how it feels to ignore my own limitations in favor of easing yours.  what it takes to make each friend, each family member, each colleague, each neighbor, each child happy. 

my cost equals the sum of all things i wish for you, and am not willing to give myself.

i'm learning how to balance the equation.  to allow my head to pull me, and my heart to push back.  to give you what i can, but keep enough for me.  to wish the best for you, but not pay the price.  to allow myself the struggle in order to see truth.  to give and receive.  to accept and forgive.  {myself}  to love and let go all at the same time.