i apologize, in advance, for not posting pictures, today, of the ninja and pirate boys from land locked colorado. aarggh. i knew when i was halfway to work this morning and realized i had forgotten my camera on the kitchen counter that there would be problems. i knew this. i did not know how many of you would mention that you noticed, though. i wanted to address this issue publicly before a mutiny was staged and i was thrown overboard. yes. i apologize. i will work with management to rectify the situation.
so while you're here, have a seat. let's chat.
yesterday was one of those days in parenting infamy where i felt so sub-par and inadequate in every way. just nothing seemed to be working. and it's kind of like that thing i mentioned a few posts ago...about how when you are trying to learn a lesson you are given trial after trial until you "get it." except it always ends up being about me. why did i fail? how could i have made the situation different? how will i teach the lesson to my children so they succeed? WHAM! right in the face like a mack truck. duh...they are learning the lesson every time they "fail." just like me.
i'm not gonna lie. my kids got issues (ha! or maybe that's just me). they are some of the craziest boys you will meet. especially when you hop them up on sugar and smack them right down in a room full of town folk. i had a pirate arm wrestling with the big boys and a ninja karate chopping the little ones. i was so frustrated. i felt like i had failed to parent, failed to protect, failed to control. all i could see was the dark side of the cloud. all this on the day we worked so hard to enjoy. fail, fail, fail. heavy heart. a lugging weight on my shoulders. yuck.
as i reflect, i have one image of despair in my mind. the one thing i think i failed at. and then i have ten small images (equalling my despair) that i did right. i remembered to be patient when there were little accidents. i got the boys to clean the entire play room. they took pride and ownership in doing so. i had help in decorating for halloween. i had two boys who told the truth. i had one with a heart as big as the sky who missed grandpa. i had pictures of a grandpa and grandson holding hands decorating my sidewalks. i had friends take turns while trick or treating. i had a quiet sleeper before the story was over. i had a big boy who held his mama's hand well into dream land.
i wonder why, for me, despair is so easy to hold on to? why there is so much love and happiness i let go? and just saying that, i feel the weight lifting. it's what i choose to hold on to or let go of. that's what i control. that's where my success of failure lies. and just like i sang to my little one's last night, "you'll have your own battles to fight..." it's so hard letting that happen when i'm in the middle of my own life changing lessons. it's way easier for me to focus on anyone else rather than myself. again and again i'm given the task and eventually i will succeed!
and that will be $150 (should i pay you for listening?).
i think we all think our kids are sometimes the worst behaved because we hold ourselves to such a high standard and often get embarrassed when their behavior draws notice from others.
ReplyDeletelet the glass be half full and try to only think about the many small good parts, which as time goes on only they AND you will remember. :)
xoxo!
So alike we r....
ReplyDeletemust be something in the air. remember you are a mother of BOYS. they are a little roudier and a little louder. there is that much more of them to love. stand proud and learn right along with them. just like they are experiencing boyhood for the first time you are experiencing parenthood for the first time.
ReplyDeletea nurse told me in the hospital that your babies are growing and learning right a long with you, they don't know when you do something wrong. so correct it for the next time and keep trudging.
deep breath. sigh........
now you have to pay me after that long comment.....we'll just call it even :)
You are looking through a telecope at your children's future, which might give you too narrow a view. I get to look at the past panorama and marvel at how wonderfully you turned out throughout all of your childhood trials and tribulations, fights, missteps, accomplishments, laughter, sweet confidences. Keep the faith all will be well.
ReplyDeleteMom
How did I miss this one, g-friend? So funny, because these were some of my very same sentiments in writing my post last night. I'm with you - it's easier to hold on to the failures. It takes a conscious effort for me to let them go and focus on what I did right. These days are long, you know? We have opportunity after opportunity to do better. And these babies? They love us every step of the way.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Lady.